Instead of an end of year resumé…

Well, when I re-organised my site, I noticed that I haven’t been all that active in the last months, or let’s say, in the past year. I think I owe you an explanation for this…

Here’s the thing: My dad died (see “Cherry Blossom” in the Creative Writing section). While some of you might think now that this is how life works, I can surely agree with you up to a certain extent, but I’d like to inform you that he committed suicide (see my last post here on his failed suicide attempt). It happened back in March, but it still feels like just yesterday. For your sakes, I won’t go into details here, but be assured that he did it very professionally, no hanging, no cut wrists and those things. Plus, he hid very well, so my family didn’t have to find him.

My dad has been, or rather was, my best friend, I told him everything, little or big, that was on my mind. Even as an adult, I consulted him on a regular basis. He was always there, always my rock in the current. And although we both weren’t the most emotional people in the world, I loved him dearly. To cut a long story short, he simply was part of my life.

Now, I feel like this part of my life has been taken away from me. It’s like your arm being cut off. The worst is that I can’t even be angry at him because I can understand his action… This sounds so wrong, I know, but I really do. Life has been so hard for him and I won’t go into detail now concerning his personal life, but it took its tolls as well.

As grief goes, after nine months, most people don’t understand why you’re still grieving and talking about the dead person. They don’t like to hear anything that might make them sad. So, I stopped grieving openly.

But this isn’t the only reason I feel down, depressed and why I lack motivation and inspiration to write something new. There have always been times when the relationship to my mother was - let’s call it - a little stressed. Everything went downhill since my dad’s suicide.

So, for the last months, the last year, absolutely everything seemed to be too much for me. Too much work, too many problems, too many people, too much of everything. But I hope, no, I promise, that I’ll get my act together in 2018. I have to look forward to honour my dad, to honour myself. But maybe you can help me a little there, will you?

I’ll try to concentrate on the positive things now and I’ll try to channel my negative feelings into something productive: creative writing. This should be a win-win situation for all of us.

So, to conclude, on the plus side, I got married and I have a cat now. ;)

26/12/2017