Failed suicide attempt

With more and more distance I gain from my parents, I tend to ponder more about suicide each day - not about committing it! -, although I think that every once in a while, most people considered it an option. Even though it was clear they’d never actually do anything. I can’t say I’ve never been at this point in my life because I have. But I tend to believe that I belong to those who’d never really try it. Those times are long gone and usually, the only other reason for me dealing with it is to write my stories.

The simple - and bitter - reason now is that last year, my father tried to commit suicide. I won’t go into details here but with his medical knowledge, it was mere luck that he survived.

It’s still not easy to write or talk about it and that makes me wonder why. And that made me notice that others with a suicidal person in their family have those problems as well. Maybe it’s because it’s so hard to say anything at all about it.

The first emotion you feel is shock and then - even if the person isn’t dead - you live through every stage of grief. Some stay with anger and that’s very comprehensible, depending on your relation to the suicidal person.

I came to accept the whole thing as best as I can. He’s my father and although he most certainly wasn’t perfect, he was a good dad. I wish he still were but since then, everything has changed. But it wasn’t him actually committing suicide that brought the change, it was his reaction and his actions afterwards. Yes, he went to some kind of therapy and I guess emotionally he’s better now. But he’s still shutting out others, he doesn’t talk about his problems, and this is part of what brought him there in the first place.

And here is where the guilt begins - not his, but the one of his relatives, naturally including me. So, maybe this is the real reason why so many persons concerned don’t talk about it - ever. Because the foremost question that you can’t get out of your mind is “why”, which you usually attribute to yourself in one way or another. Sometimes you might be lucky and get some answers from those who tried to kill themselves. Mostly, you won’t. Those people are high like a drug addict when they’re in the act of committing suicide. Clear thoughts and clear emotions don’t exist anymore. It’s like an adrenaline induced trance, a very dangerous one. So, to cut a long story short, you most certainly won’t get any real and satisfying answers.

The question that follows is “how can I live with that”. There’s no definite answer to that either. Each person has to find his or her own way. I guess I was strong enough to accommodate myself to the situation but I can also understand those who can’t. I am also past the point of agonising in how far I contributed to his deed. Self-doubts don’t help anyone, especially not him.

I yearn for normality again and I don’t accept to remain silent anymore. I want to cry out MY emotions because suicide isn’t only about those who try to commit it but also - or maybe even more - about those who could have been left behind. I don’t want to imagine what could have been if he’d managed…

04/06/2015