Longing

I tried to forget you… I really did…

With all my mental power I wanted to banish your picture from my mind. It was hard because I missed you so much, but seeing you without actually seeing you was more than I could bear. But there you are, coming back again and again. No physical appearance, no, but psychic torment. It’s not you who is to blame but ME, it’s my own brain, my own synapses that want to drive me completely insane… Is this what I am? Insane? Because I cling to a memory of you? A mere depiction, nothing more than an image that is conjured up by my own remembrance of you… I can see your face - eyes, nose, lips -, your hair, your whole body. I can see the way you move and walk. But is it reality? Would you still look like this? Or would you have cut and dyed your hair? Would you walk differently now? I don’t know... I must not dwell on this... As much as I must not ask the question why... There is no answer to it and there never will be...

I tried to forget you... I really did...

But how do you forget someone who’s been such an integral part of your life for such a long time? Afterwards, it’s so hard to trust again. Will the next person be gone so fast, too? What will happen then? Tormenting questions and I know that I’m hurting... Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse... But who am I kidding? Most of the time, I still feel bad about it but I smile and do my best not to think actively about it... I try to push it aside, try to live my life without you... And there are so many things I could tell you, so much has changed... But I can’t tell you, you can’t listen, you can’t help me with your advice and you can’t enjoy life’s beautiful moments with me... You’re not there anymore...

I tried to forget you... I really did...

But then my subconscious reminds me of you and the fact that I will never be able to forget you... In my dreams, everything seems to be back to normal, everything is well... And then I suddenly wake up, feeling exhausted, empty, and I try to grasp that fading image of you I can still see before my inner eye... I’m back in reality and it doesn’t feel good. In those moments, I miss you more than words can say but I know that there’s no way back... Things have changed... Although I went through all possible stages grief can bring I still have mixed feelings inside of me... One day, I hate you, blame you, yell at your picture in my brain... The other day, I just miss you, could cry the whole day... And then there are those days that I simply wish you joy and happiness no matter where you are... And I thank you because there’s one particular thing I learned by you: Value the moment and never take anything or anybody for granted......

I tried to forget you... I really did... BUT I CAN’T!

23/04/2013