Reflections on a deathbed

The only thing I can do right now is lifting my index finger. I’m feeling dizzy, somehow out of place... There’s rough fabric, I’m touching the fibres. I’m smelling something, but what is it? Something like ...  I don’t know ... Alcohol? Does it matter? No, I’m too tired to think.....

Did I just sleep? Or am I dreaming right now? Maybe I should simply try to open my eyes, just a tiny bit. Blue, oh yes, a ... a wall. And there’s still that smell. It seems familiar but I can’t recall from where I know it.......

Steps, there are coming steps, I’m not alone. A woman looking into my face. She’s touching me but I don’t care. Is she smiling? No, she looks so sad, soooo sad. Why?

She disappeared, I didn’t notice, did I pass out again...?

I’m trying to open my eyes a little further. There are monitors surrounding me, everyone beeping in a different tone and interval. Why didn’t I hear it before? But right, the hospital, I remember. The smell ... disinfectant... I think that woman was a nurse checking on me. Why did she look so full of sorrow...?

The fog in my mind is slowly vanishing. But I’m not interested in my direct surroundings, I’m distracted by a bird. It’s sitting on the outer window sill and seems to look at me. I’m trying to lift my arm, finger by finger, then the hand - it’s too heavy... I can’t grasp that beautiful blackbird. It’s gone, flew away through the falling leaves of a tree.......

I’m so lonely here, I wish I could simply fly away with that bird and I realise that I envy him... Why aren’t there any visitors? I’m searching for answers in my mind and I recall my family visiting me. I don’t know if it was two hours or two days ago... Does time matter anymore? I’m looking outside again, dusk’s set in... Again, there’s that sleepiness in me, I can’t resist......

Now it’s completely dark and I have to close my eyes again, the lids are too heavy. Am I still lying in a bed? Am I still in hospital? I don’t know and I realise that I don’t really care anymore. Sorrow, there was that sorrow I can now understand. The nurse knew it and I assume that I’m knowing it as well. I’m hearing the people talking in the corridor, so full of life, while my breathing becomes slower. It’s okay, I think, there’s no pain anymore, I can’t feel anything... Should I try to call someone? No, I can’t... I’m lying here and I don’t see anything but I can hear my heart beating... Beat, beat, beat... Beat, no beat, beat, no beat... It’s slower, slooower, slooooower... The voices from the corridor seem to come from a far distance and my respiration becomes more shallow with every breath... There’s no need to open my eyes, I’m able to see the beautiful blackbird... Magnificent black feathers, gleaming eyes, yellow beak. I want to fly, fly, fly far away.........

19/05/2011