Flight

There are problems lurking around every corner...

Social problems, financial problems, intellectual problems...

It doesn’t matter...

If one problem seems to be solved, the next one appears...

And those are the times, the times I want to flee it all...

When I want to flee reality...

When I want to live in a world designed only for me...

A fantasy world...

A world where no one can follow me...

Simply me and my mind...

Where everything is buried in oblivion...

Often I don’t manage to drift off but sometimes I do...

It’s wonderful and peaceful...

Just me, no one else, but still, I’m not lonely...

But I can’t tell anyone exactly where I am...

It would destroy the magic...

And sometimes even I don’t know where I am...

Just one more minute...

But then, suddenly, I’m back in reality...

It’s like waking up from a long, nice dream...

But it was no dream, it was a deliberate flight...

The harsh world catches me in the end...

12/10/2011

Reflections on a deathbed

The only thing I can do right now is lifting my index finger. I’m feeling dizzy, somehow out of place... There’s rough fabric, I’m touching the fibres. I’m smelling something, but what is it? Something like ...  I don’t know ... Alcohol? Does it matter? No, I’m too tired to think.....

Did I just sleep? Or am I dreaming right now? Maybe I should simply try to open my eyes, just a tiny bit. Blue, oh yes, a ... a wall. And there’s still that smell. It seems familiar but I can’t recall from where I know it.......

Steps, there are coming steps, I’m not alone. A woman looking into my face. She’s touching me but I don’t care. Is she smiling? No, she looks so sad, soooo sad. Why?

She disappeared, I didn’t notice, did I pass out again...?

I’m trying to open my eyes a little further. There are monitors surrounding me, everyone beeping in a different tone and interval. Why didn’t I hear it before? But right, the hospital, I remember. The smell ... disinfectant... I think that woman was a nurse checking on me. Why did she look so full of sorrow...?

The fog in my mind is slowly vanishing. But I’m not interested in my direct surroundings, I’m distracted by a bird. It’s sitting on the outer window sill and seems to look at me. I’m trying to lift my arm, finger by finger, then the hand - it’s too heavy... I can’t grasp that beautiful blackbird. It’s gone, flew away through the falling leaves of a tree.......

I’m so lonely here, I wish I could simply fly away with that bird and I realise that I envy him... Why aren’t there any visitors? I’m searching for answers in my mind and I recall my family visiting me. I don’t know if it was two hours or two days ago... Does time matter anymore? I’m looking outside again, dusk’s set in... Again, there’s that sleepiness in me, I can’t resist......

Now it’s completely dark and I have to close my eyes again, the lids are too heavy. Am I still lying in a bed? Am I still in hospital? I don’t know and I realise that I don’t really care anymore. Sorrow, there was that sorrow I can now understand. The nurse knew it and I assume that I’m knowing it as well. I’m hearing the people talking in the corridor, so full of life, while my breathing becomes slower. It’s okay, I think, there’s no pain anymore, I can’t feel anything... Should I try to call someone? No, I can’t... I’m lying here and I don’t see anything but I can hear my heart beating... Beat, beat, beat... Beat, no beat, beat, no beat... It’s slower, slooower, slooooower... The voices from the corridor seem to come from a far distance and my respiration becomes more shallow with every breath... There’s no need to open my eyes, I’m able to see the beautiful blackbird... Magnificent black feathers, gleaming eyes, yellow beak. I want to fly, fly, fly far away.........

19/05/2011

Seasons

Spring

Chirping birds

Playing, laughing children

The first green tree

The long “sleep” is over.

Summer

Muggy nights

Wind beneath palms

A café: delicious ice-cream

A jump into cool water.

Autumn

Shorter days

Yellow, red, brown

Catching the last warmth

Long walks towards the sun.

Winter

Frosty coldness

A laughing snowman

Going sledging and ice-skating

Burning fire in the chimney.

05/03/2011

Jahreszeiten

Frühling

Zwitschernde Vögel

Spielende, lachende Kinder

Der erste grüne Baum

Der lange „Schlaf“ ist vorbei.

Sommer

Schwüle Nächte

Wind unter Palmen

Leckeres Eis im Café

Ein Sprung ins kühle Nass.

Herbst

Kürzere Tage

Gelb, rot, braun

Die letzte Wärme einfangen

Lange Spaziergänge der Sonne entgegen.

Winter

Eisige Kälte

Ein lachender Schneemann

Schlitten fahren, Schlittschuh laufen

Das Feuer im Kamin brennt.

05/03/2011

The butterfly 

It’s cold as he slips beneath the surface and the water is reflecting the beige of the tiles.
Because he doesn’t like to be found naked he decided to stay dressed. Nakedness would mean weakness, and he is no weak person.
He made this decision without reflecting if it’s right or wrong, he just decided to do it. This is why he won’t hesitate; he just likes to enjoy the atmosphere. Although the window is open, he can’t hear anything from the streets outside, no laughing children, no cars, nothing… During his whole life he has been surrounded by this nothing until he had the feeling that soon he will drown in it. But now he will do something to change his life entirely.
The knife is new and the blade gleams in the beams of light as he turns it around. As he lets it glide along his wrists, he sees something from the corner of his eye. At first he doesn’t pay attention to it but then he recognises a butterfly. With its tiny wings it flutters around his head.
Suddenly it sits down on his left wrist and he simply stares at it wondering if this is a sign. After a short while he proceeds in lifting the knife but the butterfly won’t move. Without success he tries to shoo it but it simply sits on his wrist and seems to see into his soul.
Half an hour later with the small creature he had enough time to consider his way of living. Then he steps out of the bathtub and knows that there are always that small things in life, sometimes we aren’t even aware of, that are worth living for. Like a tiny butterfly…

January 2010

The cycle

Am I gonna feel tomorrow
the same terrible sorrow
as today?
Or may
I be released from it
for just a little bit?

Feeling the same everyday
seems to be the most horrible way
of becoming insane
without physical pain.

It's like being a flower
growing on a high tower:
in the wind we have to stand,
always trying not to bend;
but sometimes the powers succeed in winning
and everything starts from the very beginning.

2006

Der Tod

Ist der Tod denn wirklich das Ende
oder doch viel mehr ein Anfang?
Nein, er ist eher eine große Wende,
nur das Ende von Lebensdrang.

Für viele ist es eine Erlösung,
egal ob Mensch oder Tier,
egal ob neunzig oder erst vier.
Doch für manchen ist es eine Entblößung,
den Akt des Sterbens zu begleiten,
einem anderen einen leichten Weg zu bereiten.

Doch was bedeutet der Tod?
Ist es wirklich nur eine Not
von leidenden Herzen
verbunden mit schlimmen Schmerzen?

Ist denn vielleicht etwas Gutes dran
an diesem so unbekannten "Sensenmann"?
Gibt es tatsächlich Reinkarnation,
die neue Fleischwerdung von Toten?
Doch gibt es keine genaue Information,
keinerlei erzählende Boten.

Was passiert nach dem Tod mit einem?
Steht man im "Jenseits" auch auf zwei Beinen?
Sieht man wirklich seine Verwandten wieder
oder kniet man vor dem Teufel der Kirche nieder?

Was erwartet uns in dieser mysteriösen Welt?
Liebe, Freundschaft, Hass, vielleicht sogar Geld?
Kein Toter kann es uns "herübertragen",
müssen wir es doch alles selbst erfahren.
Doch erst, wenn unsere Zeit ist gekommen,
werden wir vom "Schwarzen Mann" mitgenommen.

Schließlich muss jeder selber sehen,
wie er will ins "Totenreich" eingehen;
ob mit Glück, Zufriedenheit und Würde
oder doch mit Sünde, Reue und Bürde.

2002